So I’m supposed to have yesterday’s Top 20 entry finished and published by now. Should have had it done by yesterday, really. I don’t know how many people actually read this intently, but I’ve been pretty bad with meeting my self-imposed deadlines. In my defense, I stand by all my decisions to go out and get drunk / be social instead of staying couped in and writing blog entries that maybe 10 people read. I care about all 10 of you very much, and thank you for finding me interesting, but when beer beckons…well, it wins every time. I don’t know what I was thinking promising new entries on Fridays. It’s freaking Friday! Though I suppose I thought I’d be getting much of my writing done on Thursday night. It just hasn’t worked out that way so far.
The thing is, I actually DO have a finished entry sitting on the shelf right now for a movie I love very much. The problem is I love it so damn much that I feel I’ve placed it too low on the list. So I’ll hold on to that one for now, and get cracking on what would have been next. Hopefully the fact that I have one filed and ready to go will make it easier to meet future deadlines. I think it will. Or maybe it will just make me lazy. Who can tell?
The good news is that the next movie on the list is short and I won’t have a lot to write about it. The writing process should be relatively easy to get through, and I hope to have it up and ready by tonight (Tuesday). With any luck it will be the first entry that actually adheres to my initial goal of keeping these entries brief. So far the project’s been a total failure in that regard. I’ve tried. Honestly, I have. But when you write about things that you love, it’s tough not to over-stuff it with reasons why. For me it is, anyway. Regardless, I do enjoy writing them. Hopefully some of you enjoy reading them.
In other blog-related news, the copy of PhotoShop that I illegally downloaded in hopes of making a personalized banner for this place has failed to work for me…so far. I should be able to get it up and running if I really apply myself to fixing that problem, but in the meantime, I’ve chosen a nice splash page from Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., issue #5. (Coincidentally, I have a T-shirt made from that issue’s cover art, pictured above). It’s a band-aid fix, but it beats staring at that generic seascape. Speaking of procrastination, though, here’s a life update:
I finally got accepted into my program for September. Got the news today — threw my arms up and let loose a “WAHOOOOO!” when the e-mail came in. I am relieved to be in, but a bit pissed at myself for leaving it this late. I could (and should) have been accepted months ago. I could stand here and make excuses about how I was dealing with a number of personal issues in February, and didn’t have time for it, but that’s just an excuse and it’s not really truthful either. I mean, it is. I was dealing with a lot of crap in February. As awesome an experience as the Olympics were, I was jobless and alone by the time they were over. But the truth is, I wanted to have my application together by mid-January and procrastinated. I got cocky and felt like I was a shoo-in, so I wasn’t really worried about it.
I think I need to worry more. I’ve spent so much of the last three years trying to relieve my tensions — mostly by smoking pot — that now I rarely feel anxious about anything. This…is bad. As much as anxiety is terrible, it also pressures you to be a go-getter and take care of whatever’s weighing on you. I have spent too much time fleeing from my troubles instead of tackling them head-on. I still made it in to my program, yes, and that’s great, but I let it go down to the wire and it could have just as easily blown up in my face.
For the record, I don’t smoke nearly as much as I used to — though it’s still nice every so often. The problem with smoking too much pot is that you stop dreaming. Kind of ironic, really, that a drug that supposedly snuffs your ability to self-motivate literally kills your dreams. Not smoking much anymore has got me dreaming a lot lately, and it’s been kind of a confusing change for me. When you hardly dream at all for nearly four years straight, it’s quite a substantial difference to start having dreams every night.
Last night I dreamt I was at the ATM. I wanted to take out $20, but when I entered my request the machine went haywire and just started spewing out money. I was stuffing my pockets with hundreds as cash streamed out. I did have a slight moral dilemma of whether or not I should keep the money, but decided I would only turn it in if the bank asked for it. Meanwhile I used the cash to pay my first month’s rent in Kelowna, to pay off my Visa and all sorts of other things that I need to do but don’t entirely have the money for right now. It was great!
Then I woke up. It was awful. Actually physically painful. I find when I have dreams that aren’t completely unrealistic, there’s always a bit of a readjustment period when I wake up, where my brain has to sort out what’s actually going on, and what was just fantasy — especially now that dreams and I are just getting back together after spending some time apart. That was a very long sentence. I’m sorry.
I really do need to pick a place in Kelowna and plunk down the cash on it. That’s next on the to-do list, and it needs to be done by the end of this week. I leave for the summer in just two weeks. It will be nice to have a real job and make a regular wage again, but I am nervous about the move. It’s exciting in a lot of ways, and I am looking forward to packing my things into the smart car and hitting the road. I’ve been making a Driving Music playlist in anticipation. It’s the actually getting to Kelowna part that worries me. The unpacking of the smart car, the living in a town where I know all of three people. I know it will be fine and that I’ll look back on my fears by summer’s end and feel foolish about them, but I can’t help it.
It’s like going to Disneyland as a kid. When I was seven years old I rode Pirates of the Caribbean and it was absolutely terrifying. Young Me stared into the uncanny valley of those animatronic pirates and was unspeakably shaken. I wanted to turn the boat around and get off the ride immediately. By the time it was over, I couldn’t wait to do it again. I know Kelowna will be like that. I do. But right now I’m just going down that first hill and the robo-pirates are giving me the creeps.
Picking a place, though. That’s next. And I do feel anxious about it, which is a good sign. Time to get on it.