Posted by: viewfromacouch | December 10, 2010

THE HAPPENING: Tweet that shit.

School’s done for the semester, and instead of seasonal employment or a Christmas internship, I will be working tirelessly on this blog to both complete my NYC travelogue and finish my Top 20 Films of the Decade list before this year is over. That means I have 21 days to write 11 essays — it will come down to the wire, but I believe I can do this.

Ominous clouds are ominous.

In the meantime, I got my winter break off to a rollicking start yesterday by downing a bottle of bubbly and proceeding to stream M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening on Netflix, while somewhat drunkenly live-tweeting the whole ordeal. The Happening, as it turns out, is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but my god did I have a good time watching it. Here now are those tweets compiled for your viewing pleasure:

"Doesn't anyone care what happened to the bees???"

"You have a pair of binoculars in the trunk from when you were spying on our neighbour." - Hotdog Guy's wife, to Hotdog Guy. I call her Exposition Lady.

Mark Wahlberg is a man of many faces in this film, all of them constipated.

The most horrific thing about this film is that Zooey Deschanel isn't pretty in it. Shyamalan, you monster.

There was so much more I could have written, but I wasn’t sure if people would find this funny or annoying. Patton Oswalt can get away with live-tweeting Smokey & The Bandit because he’s Patton Oswalt (also: because he’s very funny), but I figured I would lose several followers just by over-tweeting. Is it weird that I consider these things before writing anything? Possibly.

But people seemed to really enjoy it, so much so that I’ve been asked to drunkenly live-tweet awful movies again on a semi-regular basis. For the best results, it should be something I’ve never seen before, and like The Happening, something I never really planned on seeing at all. Ideally it’d be available on Netflix Canada, because I sure as hell am not going to waste money renting this garbage. The current suggestion: Gigli. Giddyup.

And what of The Happening? Mark Wahlberg deserves some sort of award for his work here. Like Nic Cage in The Wickerman, Wahlberg takes an otherwise atrocious movie and transforms it into a delirious and surreal comedy. The dialogue he was given is ridiculous, and he looks as muddled and confused by it as anyone in the audience. His ability to delay his reactions — his stalled responses to something said four lines back — were the greatest source of laughter. …other than those two kids eating a pair of shotgun rounds, of course.

As for the rest of it… Well, to borrow a line from the movie’s ending:

“To be perfectly honest, umm, this was an act of nature, and we’ll never fully understand it.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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